My morning usually starts with hearing the sweet voice of my two year old running in our room saying, “it’s me George.” I stumble out of bed and begin our morning routine. This morning began no differently.
Being nine months pregnant and suffering from some light insomnia, I have been stumbling straight to the coffee pot. It’s my little piece of morning comfort. I might be barely able to open my eyes but I know that by the time I finish my coffee I will be on the right path to normal daily functions.
As we patiently (or not so patiently) await the arrival of our second child, life has been so busy lately I have not taken the time to sit and just soak in this moment. I can only compare my current emotions with a quote from Prince William in his prewedding interview. (as you may or may not have picked up yet, my sister and I are slightly royal family obsessed) Hear beautiful british accent…, “We’re like sort of ducks, very calm on the surface with little feet going under the water.”
I may appear to be calm on the surface but deep down I am beginning to feel anxiety. If I am being honest my biggest fear is for my two year old George. Tell me this is normal? I fear not about his well being but more about the adjustment to life with another baby. With every rock, cuddle, or book time, I feel like I am grieving just a little for our time of just being the two of us. With shame I admit that the thought crossed my mind the other day, “can I ever love another child as much as I love him?” Yes, I know this is a silly fear but one that has become real recently. Then I have my moments, usually between trying to get him to sleep in his big boy bed and when he is in time out where I think, “how will I ever handle two?”
Last night at my neighborhood girls bible study we were discussing a study we are doing about idols, or things in our life that keep us from true belief or trusting in God. Last night the discussion was about the “gaps” we are currently experiencing in our lives that keep us from full trust in Him. So often I turn to my own resources when I hit despair. Lately my despair has been the overwhelming feeling of, “how do I do it all?” As women I think we so often feel an overwhelming pressure to “do it all” or at least I know I do. We discussed how so often we turn to our own resources instead of turning to Christ’s. My time with these girls is a wonderful encouragement and a reminder that it’s not by my own resources I can carry on but only through Christ.
So here I am finishing my coffee and feeling like today is a little more “doable.” In this super exciting time I am choosing today to let go of my anxiety and trust in His provision to accomplish much through me.
Well here it is… my jumbled nine month pregnant expression of where I am in life. I am full of excitement and also full of fear but trusting that through my belief everything is possible.
I am also thankful I have finished my coffee because… George has gotten into markers. George finding the markers means he will soon try to draw on himself or the things around him. So here is to keeping calm and drinking coffee….
How did you prepare for life with two children?